Dear Nemesis
by SnowFlower Frost
Summary: It all started off with one letter and a sugar rush. Now, Voldie and Harry are pen pals, writing regularly to each other. That can't be good.
1. If Life Gives You Lemons

**_Dear Nemesis, Chapter One: If Life Gives You Lemons_**

**_By SnowFlower Frost_**

* * *

_Dear Voldemort,_

_IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE! IF LIFE GIVES YOU MELONS, YOU MIGHT BE DYSLEXIC._

_Sincerely, _

_Guess Who?_

* * *

_Dear Guess Who,_

_Can I have your address, please? I'd like to say hi in person._

_The Dark Lord,_

_Lord Voldemort_

* * *

_Dear Tom,_

_No. Hahahaha._

_Honestly,_

_Guess Who?_

* * *

_Dear Guess Who,_

_Are you possibly that annoying brat, Harry Potter? Because I can think of no one else crazy enough to start a correspondence with me. Why _did _you chose to start a correspondence with me, Lord Voldemort? _

_AND DON'T CALL ME TOM OR I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!_

_The Dark Lord,_

_Voldemort_

* * *

_Dear Tommy,_

_How'd you guess? And thank you for the compliment! Why did I choose to start a correspondence with you? Well, I can't talk to any of my friends, so I'll talk to the next best thing - you, my nemesis._

_I won't call you Tom._

_Sincerely,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. Did you know my uncle works at the Grunnings Surrey Branch? I'd be devastated if he was injured badly, but not killed._

* * *

_Dear Brat,_

_Muahahaha! Anytime, Brat. I'll kill you soon! Oh, did you see me last night? I'm rather proud of that vision. It was really very amusing, I hope you know that. I hope to send you more like it soon, so stay tuned. _

_Why can't you talk to your friends? Have they finally come to their senses and abandoned you, like they should have done years ago? Also... your first letter was rather strange, mind explaining?_

_The Dark Lord,_

_Lord Voldemort_

_P.S. I've dispatched Bella, Severus, Lucius, Rodulphus, Rabastan, and Marcus to go deal with your uncle, thanks for the information._

* * *

_Dear Death-Muncher-In-Chief,_

_You can keep trying, but I doubt you'll succeed anytime in the next twenty years. You're sick! Even more sick than the standard dark lord! As soon as I woke up, I threw up. (Unfortunately, I couldn't get to the bathroom because of the multiple padlocks on my door). Anyways, you're sick, old man!_

_I don't know, they haven't answered all summer! And the Order refuses to let me talk to them :(. It's hell, being stuck with only the Dursleys. _

_My first letter? Ever heard of a sugar rush, Tom?_

_So... what do you do in your free time? Here's a little limerick I composed for you-_

_Tom's a bald old snake, _

_He can't use his own rake,_

_Tom likes flowers three,_

_He really, really likes to pee,_

_And his nose is beginning to flake!_

_Not my best work, but it's spontaneous, what do you expect? I'll come up with something better later._

_The Chosen One,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. You did? Oh my, I'm crying. Why, Tom, why?_

* * *

_Dear Irritating Brat,_

_Death Muncher? What's a Death Muncher?_

_I will succeed! In fact, I'm working on my annual kill-Harry-Potter-once-and-for-all plot. I'll be sure to let you know when it's done. Thank you for the lovely compliment! It will be added to my list of compliments from adversaries, of which I have many. _

_Padlocks on your door? Care to explain?_

_No, I have not. What is a... sugar rush?_

_What is this limerick thing? Oh well, does it matter? It insults me! YOU WILL DIE, HARRY POTTER!_

_Also, I was wondering, would you like me to tell you about your parents?_

_Sincerely,_

_Lord Voldemort_

_P.S. Muahahahaha!_

* * *

_Dear Death-Muncher-In-Chief,_

_I think I like that name for you, Tom. And Death Muncher is the same thing as Death Eater. Just, more stupid and mocking sounding. It fits better, don't you agree?_

_You are? In that case, would you mind doing a long time fan a favour and allowing me to help you with the plot?_

_Padlocks? Oh. My relatives don't like me much, I live in Dudley's second bedroom. I lived in the cupboard under the stairs until I was eleven, and I had bars on my window in second year. I also do all the work around the house. And they don't really feed me much. They hit me too. No big deal._

_You don't know what a sugar rush is? I'll be enclosing a pack of Mrs. Weasley's homemade fudge, I strongly suggest you eat it. _

_Aw, thank you! It'll be used to burn my homework. (By the way, do you have any idea what's the other name for devil's snare? I swear, my potions teacher hates me)._

_My parents? Well, sure, I guess. I mean, no one else has really said much about them._

_Sincerely,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. Did you know Draco Malfoy is a spy? I strongly suggest giving him a through cursing to return him to your side. Actually, please kill him! I hate him and it'd be a personal favour to me if you'd do tha__t._

* * *

_Dear Insufferable Brat,_

_I most certainly do not agree! I am a very wise and powerful Dark Lord, I will not be mocked! You amaze me, Harry Potter, with your sheer stupidity!_

_As I just pointed out, I'm not stupid! Of course I will not allow you to help me with the plot! If I do, how will I ever capture you with it?_

_Potter, you daft boy, however it pains me to say it, that's abuse, and it is not 'no big deal'. I strongly suggest telling your precious headmaster, maybe he will help you with your issue. I wish now I had gotten Bella to kill your fat muggle uncle, no one hurts you but me!__  
_

_I just ate your fudge... no affect. Well, I feel a little funny, but that's about it. _

_Why would you want to burn your homework? Wouldn't that just mean you have to do it twice? And there is no second name for devil's snare, you idiot! Could you possibly mean aconite and wolf's bane? Your potions teacher should hate you, he's one of my Deth Eaters!_

_Well, your dad fought me but I killed him. Your mother wouldn't step aside. So, I killed her too. And I'm afraid that's all I know._

_Your Nemesis,_

_Lord V._

_P.S. I didn't kill him, haha! Just tortured him with Crucio for hours. But he'll live! Ha!_

* * *

_Dear Death-Muncher-In-Chief,_

_Hahaha yeah right! You, wise and powerful? As if hahaha!_

_Aw, man. I promise I would forget all about the plan after?_

_I already tried that, Tom. Dumbledore just told me to bear through it. Like I always do. Like I always have. Yes, you should have gotten her to kill my uncle!_

_HAHAHAHA YOU CAN'T GET A SUGAR RUSH! HAHAHAHA!_

_That... was actually sort of smart. Well done! Don't call me an idiot, I hate potions! And you're right (yet again. What a surprise...), it is aconite and wolf's bane. How did you know? And that's just mean!_

_... You're evil._

_Your Nemesis,_

_Harry_

_P.S. NOOOO! Why?_

_P.P.S. Can you get a nose?_

_P.P.P.S. Can you write my letter to the Order of the Flaming Chickens for me? I'm too tired tonight and if I don't send it soon, they'll come and my uncle will get mad._

_P.P.P.P.S. I just ate a whole load of Mrs. Wesley's fudge. Yum!_

* * *

_Dear Insufferable Brat,_

_I am! I have my own Dark Legacy, no simpleton could have that, now could they? I don't see you with a Light Legacy._

_NO! I'm no idiot, Harry Potter, and I must insist you stop treating me as such. Or else!_

_I noticed the bloodstains on your last letter and have enclosed a few pain and blood replenishing potions. I have been treated the way you have been in the past and I understand it is no pleasant experience. I will keep that in mind for the future._

_Dumbledore is simply a manipulative old fool I should have killed off ages ago. Tell me, would you join me? We could be great together._

_I'm beginning to believe that's a good thing. :/_

_I am always smart, more than smart. Do not praise me what I always do. I always liked potions when I was younger, surprisingly._

_Thank you!_

_Your Nemesis,_

_Lord V_

_P.S. To torture you._

_P.P.S. ... No comment._

_P.P.P.S. I suppose I can, but only this once._

_P.P.P.P.S. Ah... That explains it._

* * *

_Dear Order,_

_I'm fine. I have a new penpal, but he's awesome. _

_Hahahaha,_

_Harry_

_P.S. Mrs. Weasley, could you possibly send some more fudge? If it's not too much trouble?_

* * *

_Harry,_

_Who's your new penpal, dear?_

_The Order_

_P.S. Of __course it's no trouble, Harry dear!_

* * *

_The Order,_

_Snakeface. The guy's name is Snakeface._

_Harry_

_P.S. Thank you so much!_

* * *

_Harry,_

_Snakeface?! Isn't that dangerous?_

_The Order_

* * *

_The Order,_

_Hahahaha! Course it's not! Oh, by the way, this is my final will and testament. I leave EVERYTHING I own to Lord Voldemort! Haha now I can die and not worry about who gets my stuff._

_Harry_

* * *

_Harry,_

_HARRY JAMES POTTER! How dare you scare us like that? I never want to see a letter like that from you again, young man!_

_Molly Weasley_

* * *

_To The Order of Flaming Chickens,_

_I was asked to inform you that Harry Potter is currently alive._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Future Defeater, _

_Lord Voldemort_

* * *

_Harry!_

_Harry! Are you okay?! We just got a letter from Voldemort! O_O!_

_The Order_

* * *

_The Order,_

_Yes, I'm fine. That's rather strange. Oh well, does it matter?_

_Harry _

_P.S. Mrs. Weasley, can I have more fudge for my pen pal, please?_

* * *

**So, here's my latest piece of writing. This isn't my normal style, I have to admit. But I wanted to try something new, so here it is! :) Please read and review! With cherries on top!**

**Kisses,**

**Snow**


	2. What are you, nuts?

**EDIT: I just noticed that I accidentally posted Chapter 1 twice! Sorry for the confusion!**

* * *

**_Dear Nemesis, Chapter Two: What are you, nuts?!_**

* * *

_Dear Voldie,_

_Thanks for sending my letter for me! It really helped me out, and it freaked out the Order, too. It was a win-win situation, in my most humble opinion._

_No, I will not join you! What are you, nuts?! Just because you're not as bad as I thought doesn't mean we're all of a sudden BFFs._

_Thanks for the potions, by the way. They were a big help and I'm grateful. Forgive me my curiosity, though, why didn't you poison them? It seems like something __**you **__would do._

_So... I guess I'd sort of like to know a bit more about you, besides the fact that you look like a snake, you're inhumane, and your name used to be Tom Riddle._

_Do you have a favourite colour? Any pets? __**Why **__did you turn dark? Do you prefer night or day best? When the hat sorted you into Slytherin, what did it say?_

_Your Nemesis,_

_Harry_

_P.S. I enclosed some more fudge for you, courtesy of Mrs. Weasley. Maybe it'll make you less grumpy._

* * *

_Dear Insufferable Brat,_

_What's with the new name? I must warn you to refrain from calling me 'Voldie', although it is much better than 'Tom' or 'Tommy'._

_They freaked out? Hmm, perhaps I'll do it more often then. It would be an excellent distraction..._

_What a shame. I believe the saying is 'join the Dark Side, we have cookies'? You would benefit, Brat. And I'm not just saying that. I'm not sure why you've taken to insulting me all of a sudden?_

_Why didn't I poison them? Hmm, good idea, Potter. I'll have to do that in the future, I hope you don't mind. We **are, **after all, nemeses. _

_I would inform you I **like **my appearance, thank you very much! And I take **pride **in my inhumanity. I see we're back to the compliments! AND DON'T CALL ME TOM RIDDLE!_

_I just Crucioed Wormtail, because he left his wand at the Manor (Malfoy Manor, my current headquarters) while going to preform a raid. That, and I was angry at him for interrupting whilst I write to you. Why is it impossible to find good henchmen these days? Quite honestly, I hate all of mine._

_My favourite colour? I'd have to go with deep, cool, **Slytherin **green. Pets? Nagini is my snake, though I wouldn't exactly consider her a 'pet'. Why I turned dark? That's a difficult question, one I never thought I'd answer. I suppose it's because muggles and mudbloods treated me **horribly, **long ago. And so, they must suffer. They must **pay**. Night is most definitely my choice. Easier to raid and torture. It debated... but eventually, it chose between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, and I ended up a proud member of the house of my ancestor, Salazar Slytherin. Did you have any other questions?_

_I myself have some for you. Your favourite colour? Animals? Friends? Why do you stick with the light? And, family?_

_It's been quite a while since we met face to face, and I wait impatiently for our next encounter. I've missed attempting to kill you. _

_Why do you keep sending me this blasted fudge? Not that I'm complaining or anything..._

_Your Nemesis,_

_Lord V_

* * *

_Dear Death-Muncher-In-Chief,_

_First of all, I like Death Muncher a **lot **better than Voldie. Although, Moldy just might take the prize. Hmm, I'll call you whatever I like._

_I didn't mean to give you an idea! Forget I ever said anything... Or else._

_Let me make this very clear. I will **never **join the dark. **Especially **not for cookies. (Do you have treacle tart?) That was not a compliment, you nut! _

_Merlin, I really need to learn when to shut my mouth. Please not poison them, of course I mind!_

_Hahahaha how old are you? Ninety? And I highly doubt that **no nose **was cool even then, Oldie. You're sick, I hope you know that. You're seriously sick! That's not a compliment! And, I'll call you whatever I want, Tom. Just try stopping me._

_So **that's **why my scar was hurting! And Wormtail! Grr, I **hate **him. Almost as much as you, and that's saying something. How stupid can you get? Aw, I'm touched! I guess so, judging by how idiotic and failure prone all of yours are. Hahahahaha! If it helps, I hate 'em too._

_Who could have guessed? (That was sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell) Voldemort, heir of Slytherin, and Dark Lord, likes **Slytherin **green. **Such **a shocker. Nagini? You mean the ugly python thing? I'm shuddering right now, that snake is just so... just so... **human. **I can imagine. So, let me get this straight. You became a Dark Lord and vowed to kill all the muggles and muggleborns because some of them weren't the nicest? Isn't that a bit... stereotypical? And don't tell me you didn't take the Vow of the Dark Lords because you wouldn't have the title of Lord Moldyshorts if you didn't. Night? I am **so **surprised. Again, I'm going to point out you make me **sick, **old man. Ravenclaw and Slytherin? Why would the hat put you in Ravenclaw? Certainly wasn't for your smarts. Now that you mention it, I do have another question for you - why do you have no nose?_

_Favourite colour? I'm going to admit that it's green. Like my mother's eyes. And mine. I have a beautiful snowy owl, her name is Hedwig. Friends? My best friends are Ron and Hermione. Ron's a pureblood, and a master at chess, and by association, strategy. Hermione, on the other hand, is the most talented witch of our age, although she's a muggleborn. It doesn't matter to me, but it would to you. I consider Ginny, Luna, and Neville my friends as well, purebloods all three. Not going to say their last names, as that would be rather idiotic of me. I stick with the light because the dark is wrong, and because it cough you cough killed my parents. As for family, it's just Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and my cousin Dudley. I don't really like **any **of them. _

_Oh, yes! I **really **can't wait for someone to attempt to murder me. It's gonna be **soooo **much fun. Honestly, how daft are you? What would you say, 'I'm going to kill you now, no hard feelings'? Sounds like something **you **would say. Well if you get rid of the 'no hard feelings'. _

_So you don't want any more fudge? Okay, just means more for me. Hahahaha._

_Your Nemesis,_

_Harry _

_P.S. Why are these letters so long?_

_P.P.S. Seriously, why don't you have a nose?_

* * *

_Dear guard on duty,_

_I'm alive._

_Harry_

* * *

_Professor Dumbledore,_

_The bird has flown the nest!_

_Tonks_

* * *

_Alastor,_

_Can you believe Nymphadora? While I **do **believe it was an honest mistake, I was in the middle of buying a new thick, woolen, perfect pair of socks. Hmpf, I say. Just **one **pair of socks!_

_Albus_

* * *

_Dear Order,_

_I'm fine, just going out to get kidnapped by Voldemort._

_Harry_

* * *

_Potter,_

_ARE YOU CRAZY, BOY?!_

_Mad-Eye_

* * *

_Professor Moody,_

_No. Why?_

_Harry_

* * *

_Potter,_

_Merlin save us all. _

_Mad-Eye_

* * *

_Professor Moody,_

_?_

_Harry_

* * *

_Potter,_

_Just proves my point. Only thing **more **stupid you could do would be to become owl pals with You-Know-Who._

_Mad-Eye_

* * *

_Professor Moody,_

_I am._

_Harry_

_P.S. FUDGE!_

* * *

_Potter,_

_I'm not deigning that with a reply. _

_Mad-Eye_

_P.S. That gets no reply, as well._

_P.P.S._

_P.P.P.S_

_P.P.P.P.S._

_P.P.P.P.P.S. CONSTANT VIGALENCE! _

* * *

**A/N: So, what did everyone think? Thank you all for the lovely comments, they mean a lot! I'm new to humor, XD.**

**Kisses,**

**Snow**


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